{"id":31163,"date":"2021-01-28T14:56:01","date_gmt":"2021-01-28T14:56:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shefnews.co.uk\/?p=21215"},"modified":"2021-01-28T14:56:01","modified_gmt":"2021-01-28T14:56:01","slug":"hey-hows-the-wife-the-lack-of-support-for-men-after-a-baby-loss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shefnews.co.uk\/index.php\/2021\/01\/28\/hey-hows-the-wife-the-lack-of-support-for-men-after-a-baby-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"The Lack of Support For Men After A Baby Loss"},"content":{"rendered":"

One every 90 minutes in the UK. That is how often a baby is lost during pregnancy. If it is so common, then why is it still such a taboo topic for men? Iwan James interviews those who have experienced the tragedies and how they made it through.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Baby loss. For such a life-changing event, it is often a topic that is ignored and stigmatised. When 42 year old Julie Adams from Kent lost her baby due to stillbirth her partner, Peter Lane, could not comprehend it. His head was so preoccupied by the news that he was hit by a car on the way home without even realising it was happening leaving him with two broken legs. \u201cI think that just shows the state of his mental health at the time.\u201d Julie says. \u201cHe said his head was all over the place. At the time had somebody said to him are you ok, he could\u2019ve avoided the accident. It was horrific.\u201d The difficulties following the loss eventually contributed to the couple\u2019s separation, highlighting just how significant the event can be on a couple\u2019s relationship. \u201cEven before we split, he couldn\u2019t talk about it.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

International Fathers Mental Health Day was created in 2016 and a 2019 study during Baby Loss Awareness week found that over 60% of men felt suicidal following a loss and that the support available was not sufficient. That same study showed that the support that so many parents wanted following a baby loss was not accessible on the NHS to 60% of them, with fathers also feeling they were not acknowledged in the same way as their partner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The fact of the matter is that there is some support out there for men such as therapy and counselling following a loss. However, men are often unwilling to accept this due to the decades of negative reinforcement. An example is telling men that they should \u201cman up\u201d and that showing emotions is a weakness. But there is still a massive division between the support that fathers who lost a child get and their partners.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Whilst a lot of stereotypes have been busted, such as men are typically seen in a societal outdated clich\u00e9 as the providers in their relationship, there is still the notion that men should remain strong following a miscarriage. This often means that they do not take time for their own grieving. One in six men have a mental health problem (according to a 2020 study) which means a loss like this could exacerbate them further. For some who do not have a problem, a loss will inevitably have a profound impact on their mental health. As Hayley Wheeler<\/a>, 45, who runs her own business as an emotional empowerment coach helping both men and women work through a variety of mental health problems, says: \u201cThey (men) don’t feel like they experienced having the baby therefore why should they have postpartum depression. Men think they shouldn\u2019t engage with their emotions anytime where emotions are triggered, it is quite hard to deal with when they are feeling like it’s not their right.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Another issue which often worsens matters is social media. \u201cIf you\u2019re following men who are promoting that men should be men, then that will have a negative effect on you,\u201d Says Hayley. \u201cSocial media presents perfection so when somebody is struggling it\u2019s tough to watch.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"

Mark Williams, who set up Fathers Reaching Out and International Father’s Mental Health Day<\/p><\/div>\n

Social media can be a positive though. Mark Williams, who helped create International Fathers Mental Health Day and has been campaigning for mental health support for fathers for a decade, spoke about how social media can provide a platform to voice stories and help fathers realise that they are not alone. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have been able to support fathers without social media as a lot want acknowledgement that there’s more out there and they shouldn\u2019t feel as guilty (about their mental health issues). That is enough for some.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a myth that men don’t talk. Men don’t talk unless you put them in a safe environment.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So, how else can we support fathers who have lost a child during pregnancy? Well it varies from person to person according to Mark who set up his own walk and talk group back in 2019 which has been very successful. He says: \u201cMen talk better side by side in my opinion. It\u2019s all about offloading baggage from their losses.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Medication and counselling is the tried and tested medical model with 70% of men who have lost a child being recommended support according to <\/span>SANDS<\/span><\/a>. But that means 30% of men do not get the recommendation. There is a large demand for more investment following austerity cuts into medical treatments such as therapy, but it is far from the only treatment available.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"

SANDS United FC Doncaster Team Photo. Credit: @SufcDoncaster on Twitter<\/p><\/div>\n

The charity SANDS has helped to create SANDS United FC teams all across the UK to help fathers who have lost a child come together to play the beautiful game. Pete Hill, 36, who plays for the Doncaster team, says:<\/span> \u201cThe lads who play are all in a similar situation. <\/span>For me, therapy was just a token gesture.\u201d As Hayley says: \u201cHaving that support from someone who has been there is underrated. We don\u2019t promote it enough.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Hayley also recommends that hobbies can help work through any problems that a man may experience. \u201cThe aim of them (hobbies) is to find unique support for each person.\u201d This could include fishing, gardening, sports and other hobbies that may have been disregarded previously as treatments. But as Hayley says: “<\/span>We know about the medical model and the talking therapies, those are the ones that are traditional support mechanisms but there are so many other ways to look after your mental health. We just don\u2019t tap into them well.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hayley also alludes to the the concept of Reiki and massage therapy as she says: “<\/span>Those kinds of things can shift emotions and mental health in a way that you wouldn\u2019t assume that they can because people don’t connect the physical, emotional and the mental but they are hugely linked.”\u00a0<\/span>It may not be conclusive but it could potentially succeed, where \u2018typical\u2019 support has failed, in allowing fathers to shift their mental health problems.<\/span><\/p>\n

Overall, the issue of father’s mental health following a baby loss will continue to be taboo until society realises that men speaking about their problems is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of courage that should be supported. As Mark says: \u201cMental health doesn\u2019t discriminate any age or any gender. It can come up at any point.\u201d There is a long way to go in terms of the funding and support systems availability. \u201cWe are getting better, it\u2019s not that we\u2019re not trying, we\u2019re just not where we are meant to be.\u201d Says Hayley.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

One every 90 minutes in the UK. That is how often a baby is lost during pregnancy. If it is so common, then why is it still such a taboo topic for men? Iwan James interviews those who have experienced the tragedies and how they made it through. Baby loss. For such a life-changing event, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":21209,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[17,18,21,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-31163","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-charity","category-health","category-news","category-top-stories"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Lack of Support For Men After A Baby Loss - ShefNews<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/shefnews.co.uk\/index.php\/2021\/01\/28\/hey-hows-the-wife-the-lack-of-support-for-men-after-a-baby-loss\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Lack of Support For Men After A Baby Loss - ShefNews\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"One every 90 minutes in the UK. 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